“This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20 NIV
In a recent conversation with one of my best friends, I found myself reflecting on a recurring theme in my life. Every passing year, I find myself saying, “This year, I’ve truly drawn closer to God than ever before.” My relationship with God is constantly growing and deepening, and I am continually discovering more about Him as my Father.
Yet, amidst this growth, I can’t help but question if I’m faithfully living out my Christian walk correctly. Am I on the right path? When the day comes that I stand before God, will I hear the comforting words, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant,’ or will it be the unsettling ‘Depart from me, for I never knew you’? I earnestly pray never to hear the latter.
As the year comes to a close, we naturally reflect on our experiences, assessing whether we’ve met our yearly resolutions and evaluating our connections—both gained and lost. There are moments when faced with unfulfilled goals, we find ourselves comparing our achievements to those of others. It’s a complex mix of being genuinely happy for them while simultaneously wondering, ‘Why not me? Why couldn’t I achieve this? What’s wrong with me?’
To be incredibly transparent with you, I’ve been grappling with feelings of comparison over the past few weeks. This struggle extends into my relationships and my journey with Christ. As I write this, tears stream down my face. Throughout this year, God has opened my eyes and heart to numerous revelations. I’ve spent days in prayer, fasted more times than I can count, read the entire Bible, let go of something profoundly meaningful to me, and surrendered my will to God. Yet, I grapple with questions: Is that enough? Am I truly forgiven? Am I making Jesus proud?
As a Christian, there are moments when I doubt my salvation. I understand that salvation is a gift freely given; Jesus paid the price for my sins on the cross. However, despite this truth, doubt lingers. I haven’t mastered my spiritual language, and praying for extended periods without fatigue remains a challenge. I have yet to see the physical manifestations of my fasting. At times, I wonder if I am even fasting right. I question the strength of my faith and my ability to endure spiritual warfare. I find myself burdened by unrealistic expectations fueled by comparisons with others in their spiritual walks. Yet, Jesus never demanded perfection. He simply desires that we know Him.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:33, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Personally, seeking Him involves tuning out the distractions of the world and opening my heart to receive, hear, and know Him. Through this, I trust that everything else will unfold. As I open my heart to Him, He continues to refine, shape, and mold me on this journey of faith.
I just want to make Jesus proud. In the face of pressure, in the face of “trying to be like,” in the face of trying to impress, I want to make Him proud. When I am all alone, He is there. When I have no one to talk to, He is there. Sometimes, I yearn for Him to enter my room, embrace me tightly, and never let go. My heart feels so broken and fragile, I crave so fondly for Him to pour His peace, strength, and joy into me. While I have no desire to return to the worldly ways, this journey proves to be challenging yet so rewarding. Each day, I fall in love with Jesus more than yesterday.
If you find yourself in a similar phase in your spiritual journey, let’s challenge ourselves not to approach Christ with the expectation of perfection. Let’s recognize that we cannot accomplish everything through our own efforts; it is not by our might or power but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). Instead of relying solely on our feelings and emotions, let’s anchor ourselves in the truth of God’s Word. It’s not about the works we do but about the posture of our hearts before His throne of grace. Don’t underestimate the transformation that God is orchestrating in your heart and life.
If you are reading this and do not know Jesus but would like to surrender to Him, you can say this simple prayer: “Lord Jesus, I give you my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. I surrender all to you. I believe that you died and rose again, and you are coming back. I accept you as my Lord and Savior. Be my King today.”
As we hold on dearly to the precious gift of knowing Jesus Christ, let’s pray with the authority that he has graced us with:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you, Lord, for sending your Son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins. Your love for us is immeasurable, and despite our shortcomings, you cannot bear to see us suffer for eternity. I am grateful for the precious gift of salvation, and I repent for ever doubting it. Lord, when my cup is empty, remind me to return to the source. When I am thirsty and hungry for your presence, guide me back to the well that will surely satisfy me. All I genuinely want is to make Jesus proud.
Amen
With love,
Carmaïssa
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